I was always an independent person my whole life. I valued depending on no one, being strong enough for myself, not relying on others. I always danced to the beat of a different drum! This independence meant keeping people, especially friends, at arms length. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't anti-social or anything. On the contrary, I was very social, hanging out with many people. But, I am not sure if I did it long enough or with enough depth to let anyone "in" to see and know the real me. What was I protecting myself from? No matter, I was strong and independent and didn't need anyone anyway, right?
Many years later, with an added Autoimmune disease, not much has changed. I am approaching 40, and finding myself without my group of "girlfriends." Today I find I might be even worse-the way I keep people at arms length. Being chronically ill is hard, but being misunderstood, judged, and criticized can be even harder, right? Good thing I am independent, strong and in need of NO ONE!! ...
"Honey, can you cut my meat please after you cut the kids' meat? Oh, kids can you go up and get my ______, mommy can't walk today?! I'm sorry baby, you have to button your own shirt, mommy's fingers are very swollen, stiff, and painful, or go ask daddy. Hon, can I have a chair to sit in while I dry my hair? I can't stand anymore."
uh-hem...as I was saying...
My "friends" from my past have all but faded, and here I am with RA, looking for someone to turn to-looking for a strong support system. My husband, thankfully, has been there 100%. He is my best friend. My small children are becoming increasingly supportive, to the best at which they can understand my illness. For them, I am eternally grateful. But, my lifetime of arms length and independence has come back to my having only my husband's shoulders to lean on. Don't get me wrong, my husband has proven to have shoulders of incredible size and strength. Apparently it can carry a burden beyond belief. But what about him, who's shoulder does he have to lean on? How much longer can he hold on? Who is holding him up? I am so thankful that he is strong in his FAITH, because I believe there are days when God is carrying us BOTH on His shoulders!
RA has opened my eyes to how much people do rely on one another, how important friendships are, and how having a support system is so important to getting through a chronic illness. There are a million things in this world I can look upon in a positive manner and say, "for that, I do not regret." I believe that things happen for a reason, and no matter what mistakes you have made in life, you can pick yourself back up, learn from them, and move on. However, this is something in my life that I am starting to regret, and not just for me, but for the support of my family. I am so thankful we have each other, our love and never ending, common Faith!
Maybe when the Lord believes we are ready for a deeper, more supportive group of people in our lives to help us through, He will provide them to us!! Until then, I lean on the love of my husband and comfort of the Lord!
Do you know of anyone in need? Anyone who might be in need of support?
Support one another--Reach out to one another--and keep the Sunny Side Up!! Many Blessings!! :)
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
My deep Dark Side...yeah, I do have one...
I know that I have been preaching about looking on the bright side and keeping the sunny side up. But, there is a dark side to me that I feel the need to reveal- a dark side I struggle with now more then ever. Maybe you can relate to this, maybe not, but my dark side is my insecurity with the way that I look. There, I said it!
On one hand, I can rationalize that I've been much less active, I have had my RA symptoms for almost 3 years now-and not under control yet, might I add. I can also tell you that the medications I am taking are not helping with my weight, especially the prednisone. I can say, "hey, it's ok, you've been through a lot. You are a still beautiful. Your husband loves you and desires you. It's ok." I can rationalize it until I am blue in the face, and after all the rationalizing, pep talking and reassurances, I still catch glimpses of myself in the mirror or in a picture and think, "who is that person staring back at me?" Have you had those moments?
Sometimes I wish we lived in a world in which we all wore blinders. I often wonder what would happen if I could no longer see, God forbid. I certainly wouldn't be able to compare myself to anyone else, now would I? Would it even matter? Oh yes, I would still be able to hear what people say...darn. Do we live in a society that is so shallow that the stress of my illness is compounded by the anxiety of my vanity?
Vanity: noun
1. excessive pride in one's appearance, qualities, abilities, achievements, etc.; character or quality of being vain; conceit
2. lack of real value; hollowness; worthlessness:
3. something worthless, trivial, or pointless
Pride: noun
There is a fine between vanity and pride, and apparently I skate it. See, I've been on both sides of the fence. I have been the overweight person. The person who put on a few extra pounds in college and had to burn them off. Or the person who gained a little too much weight with her pregnancy, and had to start working out a little harder to get rid of it. I have had people make comments about my weight (ie: you have such a pretty face- fatso- why can't you be like my friend's girlfriends?). I have been made to feel like less of a person as a result of it.
On one hand, I can rationalize that I've been much less active, I have had my RA symptoms for almost 3 years now-and not under control yet, might I add. I can also tell you that the medications I am taking are not helping with my weight, especially the prednisone. I can say, "hey, it's ok, you've been through a lot. You are a still beautiful. Your husband loves you and desires you. It's ok." I can rationalize it until I am blue in the face, and after all the rationalizing, pep talking and reassurances, I still catch glimpses of myself in the mirror or in a picture and think, "who is that person staring back at me?" Have you had those moments?
Sometimes I wish we lived in a world in which we all wore blinders. I often wonder what would happen if I could no longer see, God forbid. I certainly wouldn't be able to compare myself to anyone else, now would I? Would it even matter? Oh yes, I would still be able to hear what people say...darn. Do we live in a society that is so shallow that the stress of my illness is compounded by the anxiety of my vanity?
Vanity: noun
1. excessive pride in one's appearance, qualities, abilities, achievements, etc.; character or quality of being vain; conceit
2. lack of real value; hollowness; worthlessness:
3. something worthless, trivial, or pointless
Pride: noun
1. a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.
2. a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem
There is a fine between vanity and pride, and apparently I skate it. See, I've been on both sides of the fence. I have been the overweight person. The person who put on a few extra pounds in college and had to burn them off. Or the person who gained a little too much weight with her pregnancy, and had to start working out a little harder to get rid of it. I have had people make comments about my weight (ie: you have such a pretty face- fatso- why can't you be like my friend's girlfriends?). I have been made to feel like less of a person as a result of it.
I have also been the the fit person, in the best shape of my life (until my illness of course). I still have had people make comments about my weight (ie: wow, you look so much better- I can't believe how much weight you've lost- what have you been doing to yourself- if you lose anymore weight you will disappear). I can tell you that I still felt like less of a person as a result of it. Some of you might be thinking-oh yeah, come on...really? Yes, really! I resented the comments. I resented the focus on my body and outer looks. I resented the feeling that that is all there was to me.
I will openly reveal in my blog that I have put on weight since this journey began 3 years ago. The "bulk" of it (no pun intended) seemed to have occurred after my Prednisone, Methotrexate, Humira mixture, which has been rather recent. Imagine how I must be feeling now, after people made such an emphasis on how "great" I looked, how much better I was looking, the "wows" I got. I don't get "wows" now, unless it's behind my back, I am sure!! :) Point is, why does someone's physical features have to the thing people talk about and focus on? Whether I am 30 lbs. lighter or heavier, doesn't change the fact that I have a phenomenal mind, the largest humanitarian heart, and a kind and loving spirit. So why, as a whole, do must people struggle to see beyond the shell? If my RA progresses and my body becomes deformed, will these same people no longer find even an ounce of beauty left in me?
This is my dark side, my struggle, my fear. This is my weakness that I so desperately try to hide from my fragile 10 year old daughter. This dark side of me has moved me to seek the only Truth and Light that will set me free from the bondage of this LIE.
Heavenly Father, I come to you broken, vulnerable, imperfect, yet perfectly made by you. I give up to you my dark side, this weakness that I, and I am sure many of my fellow brothers and sisters, struggle with everyday. Help us to find the Truth and Light through you. You are the Way, the Truth and the Light!! Amen!
Praying for MORE Sunny Side Ups!!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Look at the Possibilities
Please watch this video. It's so very inspirational.
When I first started with my RA symptoms, I focused on the negative a lot of the time. I couldn't believe what was happening to me, I couldn't understand what was happening to me (that part hasn't changed much), and I had a very difficult time accepting what was happening to me. This is totally normal, this is okay for us all. We all go through the grieving process, grieving over what use to be. Then I thought about perspective. If I remain in "fall down" mode, what kind of perspective will I have? Try a little experiment. Literally get down on the ground and stay there a while. Try to look around the room or look around the house. How's the view? How well are you able to see? Try to enjoy a conversation with your family, children, and friends. From the ground, try to accomplish even the small things we take for granted. Not the best perspective to have, is it? Very limited, and very limiting. So, it occurred to me that bouncing back isn't just about pulling myself out of a rut, a depression, or a low point in my life. Bouncing back is about having the courage to pick myself up off the floor so that I can have my perspective back. Sometimes when we are down, you get trapped in a pattern of thinking that is difficult to get out of. On the ground looking up, things can seem so large, and looming. Picking myself up has helped gain a whole different perspective.
If you conducted the floor experiment, and then stood up, what are the things you missed while you were down on the ground? Are there now windows you can look out of with birds chirping by? The large and looming objects don't seem so scary to me after all. I've noticed that it helps to focus on what I still have that is good. My husband will joke with me when I am feeling low during a flare and ask, "Ok hon, but how's your pinky toe?" I will usually tell him, "Yes, the pinky toe is feeling great!" He'll say, "Well, there you go!" Seems silly, but it's so true. When I am feeling low, sometimes I have to say, "Ok, so my hands and wrists are stiff, swollen, and painful-as are my ankles, feet, and elbows-but I don't have a headache today!!" It's the little things that seem to help me take my steps forward toward "CAN!"
Quick tips to pick you up:
1. CAN...try to think of all you still CAN do, rather than focusing on all that you can't do, or have a harder time doing. I can still sing. Sometimes I CAN get on a treadmill and walk a slow pace, or enjoy a walk outside. I CAN read stories to my children using the cookiest voices that they love! I CAN tell funny jokes and act like a goofball in front of my 5th graders. CAN! I CAN put on a smile and control my attitude!
2. Count your blessings. What do you have in your life that is good? I have a wonderful family. My husband is my lifeline, and my children are extensions of that! The are the joy that warms my heart everyday, and what pushes me to get up off that floor!! I thank the Lord for them multiple times a day!
3. Make small changes. I decided to stop fighting the RA and make small changes to adapt to my RA, so that RA and I will live together more comfortably, in more harmony, if you will. I am over the fact that I can't wear flat shoes or shoes with very high heels. We've changed some faucets in the house that are easier to maneuver.
4. Put on some upbeat music and sing, sing, sing!! I often find this really helps me a lot!!
5. Develop a closer and more personal relationship with Christ. I don't know where I would be without the peace the Lord brings me everyday! My fears, my worries, I give up to Him. He reminds me that I am not alone.
I would love to hear any other "pick me up" ideas! Post some!!
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Bouncing Back
I have a student in my class who has had a hard life. A very sad life. Today, he got in trouble with the Principal. After being released from the "warden", he came in to my classroom, tears rolling down his red cheeks. He walked right over to me, arms outstretched and hugged me.
Hugged me! This might not sound so odd, except that this is a young boy who has built a hard shell around himself. So, I hugged him and gave him the best pep talk that I could muster. It's a blur all that I said (rheumatoid fog), but I ended with this: People will disappoint us, things in life will not happen as we hoped and planned. Sometimes we will fall down. There will be times when it seems like we are always falling down, and that's okay. What builds character, is how many times we get back up after each fall. Every time we bounce back, we get stronger and grow more.
I thought about my student today, about the hard shell he built around himself. It reminded me of myself, and many people I know who have Rheumatoid Arthritis, who are chronically ill, and/or who have been through a lot. When I first discovered I had RA, it was a "fall down" moment, indeed. But what got me back up, was the fact that after 3 years of not knowing what was wrong with me, I now had a diagnosis and a medical plan that would help me get better. Bounce back. Then the questions started. Fall down. I answered as best I could. Bounce back. The silly comments and suggestions come. Fall down. I have learned to forgive and laugh it off because I know they are uninformed. Bounce back. It's a cycle. Our illness is nothing but a cycle-a roller coaster if you will, isn't it? Having a good day (or dare I say two). Feeling pretty good, when out of know where, BAM! FLARE! The flare generally happens at the most inopportune times, of course! Fall down!
Here, at this very moment, I have discovered that I have a choice. Do I remain down, or do I bounce back? RA changed me, caused me to build a shell around me-just like my student. Today made me realize how similar we really are-how there are times I have outstretched arms looking for that hug from anyone willing to support me. Today, more than ever, made me see the importance of bouncing back. RA has affected my body, but it does NOT have to affect my mindset and attitude! At least THAT, I have control over! What will you choose? Will you choose to bounce back? :)
Hugs! Keep bouncing...and keep the Sunny Side Up!!
Hugged me! This might not sound so odd, except that this is a young boy who has built a hard shell around himself. So, I hugged him and gave him the best pep talk that I could muster. It's a blur all that I said (rheumatoid fog), but I ended with this: People will disappoint us, things in life will not happen as we hoped and planned. Sometimes we will fall down. There will be times when it seems like we are always falling down, and that's okay. What builds character, is how many times we get back up after each fall. Every time we bounce back, we get stronger and grow more.
I thought about my student today, about the hard shell he built around himself. It reminded me of myself, and many people I know who have Rheumatoid Arthritis, who are chronically ill, and/or who have been through a lot. When I first discovered I had RA, it was a "fall down" moment, indeed. But what got me back up, was the fact that after 3 years of not knowing what was wrong with me, I now had a diagnosis and a medical plan that would help me get better. Bounce back. Then the questions started. Fall down. I answered as best I could. Bounce back. The silly comments and suggestions come. Fall down. I have learned to forgive and laugh it off because I know they are uninformed. Bounce back. It's a cycle. Our illness is nothing but a cycle-a roller coaster if you will, isn't it? Having a good day (or dare I say two). Feeling pretty good, when out of know where, BAM! FLARE! The flare generally happens at the most inopportune times, of course! Fall down!
Here, at this very moment, I have discovered that I have a choice. Do I remain down, or do I bounce back? RA changed me, caused me to build a shell around me-just like my student. Today made me realize how similar we really are-how there are times I have outstretched arms looking for that hug from anyone willing to support me. Today, more than ever, made me see the importance of bouncing back. RA has affected my body, but it does NOT have to affect my mindset and attitude! At least THAT, I have control over! What will you choose? Will you choose to bounce back? :)
Hugs! Keep bouncing...and keep the Sunny Side Up!!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Welcome to the Sunny Side Up!
It's only been 4 months since my official diagnosis. I remember it as clear as day, going back to my rheumatologist to let her know that I tapered off of my Fibromyalgia medications because they just weren't doing anything for me. She finally seemed to listen when I said, "the pain seems to be just in my joints." My wrists were hurting, the small joints in my hands and fingers were throbbing-and let's not forget the swelling-yikes! There were times, as well, that I would have used a little walker, if I had one and didn't think it would freak out my 29 5th grade students. My ankles and feet were getting bad enough that I limped around most of the day.
But, on this appointment day, there must have been something different in my voice, or maybe I was able to articulate precisely where the pain was better then ever before. On this day, my rheumatologist decided to do all sorts of bloodwork and X-Rays of my joints. I dreaded returning for the follow up results visit. I mean, come on, it's not like it was the Idol results show or anything which comes with live entertainment. :) Nope, I was prepared to hear the words I had heard for about 3 years: "well, we didn't find anything." Instead, she went through my bloodwork, said it all looked ok, and said she wanted to pull up my X-Rays. Several minutes later, she asked me into another room, where my X-Rays were up for viewing. I assumed this was a formality, so my husband and I went in, listened to her talk show the different images, and she stopped at my hands. I remember hearing the word "lesions" and "erosion" and the whole thing became surreal. We went back into our exam room, she said she conferred with the other Rheumatologist and they believe it is Rheumatoid Arthritis. I think she asked if I had any questions....questions?? I don't even remember hearing anything she said, and she wanted to know if I had questions...so I nodded a "no" and let her keep talking. She mentioned something about trying me out on Prednisone to see how I feel, and to come back.
Prednisone. My friend, my foe. Prednisone and I have a love/hate relationship. I love to take it because of how differently I feel on it, but I HATE how I have changed as a result of it. Alas, at my follow up appointment, it was all still a blur because she was still talking about this RA thing, and now some Methotrexate, a chemotherapy, and at this point my head is spinning. So, I stopped her and asked her, "are you sure, this is what you think it is? I do not want to be taking these medications if you aren't absolutely positive." She assured me (or at least convinced me) that she was sure I had RA, and we were going to take an aggressive approach to stop the progression.
4 months. That was 4 months ago. I have since then started Humira injections, well, I have taken 1 injection to date. I will be decreasing my Methotrexate because she believes it is attributing to my exhaustion, and she wrote me a prescription for Prednisone again. I will have to deliberate with my vanity and pride about whether or not I will actually be taking this!
Why the "Sunny Side Up"? For 4 months, (well, for 3 years and 4 months), I have been having a very difficult time dealing with and accepting my diagnosis. Well, I've made it. I am accepting it-not 100%, but I am on my way. I am not angry, though I have angry moments. I am not depressed, though sad moments can creep in. I have an illness that MANY people, including myself, do not understand. I feel like I am being pulled to help others through their journey as well. I would like to use this blog to focus, not only on the pain, frustration, and exhaustion of RA, but the positive things in life that are there if we just look past the harder things. My goal is two-fold: to educate and inform the public about what this illness is all about and help others see the brighter side. Cause really, if you don't look at the bright side, what else do you have to look forward to?
I enjoy mine, Sunny Side Up...how about you?
But, on this appointment day, there must have been something different in my voice, or maybe I was able to articulate precisely where the pain was better then ever before. On this day, my rheumatologist decided to do all sorts of bloodwork and X-Rays of my joints. I dreaded returning for the follow up results visit. I mean, come on, it's not like it was the Idol results show or anything which comes with live entertainment. :) Nope, I was prepared to hear the words I had heard for about 3 years: "well, we didn't find anything." Instead, she went through my bloodwork, said it all looked ok, and said she wanted to pull up my X-Rays. Several minutes later, she asked me into another room, where my X-Rays were up for viewing. I assumed this was a formality, so my husband and I went in, listened to her talk show the different images, and she stopped at my hands. I remember hearing the word "lesions" and "erosion" and the whole thing became surreal. We went back into our exam room, she said she conferred with the other Rheumatologist and they believe it is Rheumatoid Arthritis. I think she asked if I had any questions....questions?? I don't even remember hearing anything she said, and she wanted to know if I had questions...so I nodded a "no" and let her keep talking. She mentioned something about trying me out on Prednisone to see how I feel, and to come back.
Prednisone. My friend, my foe. Prednisone and I have a love/hate relationship. I love to take it because of how differently I feel on it, but I HATE how I have changed as a result of it. Alas, at my follow up appointment, it was all still a blur because she was still talking about this RA thing, and now some Methotrexate, a chemotherapy, and at this point my head is spinning. So, I stopped her and asked her, "are you sure, this is what you think it is? I do not want to be taking these medications if you aren't absolutely positive." She assured me (or at least convinced me) that she was sure I had RA, and we were going to take an aggressive approach to stop the progression.
4 months. That was 4 months ago. I have since then started Humira injections, well, I have taken 1 injection to date. I will be decreasing my Methotrexate because she believes it is attributing to my exhaustion, and she wrote me a prescription for Prednisone again. I will have to deliberate with my vanity and pride about whether or not I will actually be taking this!
Why the "Sunny Side Up"? For 4 months, (well, for 3 years and 4 months), I have been having a very difficult time dealing with and accepting my diagnosis. Well, I've made it. I am accepting it-not 100%, but I am on my way. I am not angry, though I have angry moments. I am not depressed, though sad moments can creep in. I have an illness that MANY people, including myself, do not understand. I feel like I am being pulled to help others through their journey as well. I would like to use this blog to focus, not only on the pain, frustration, and exhaustion of RA, but the positive things in life that are there if we just look past the harder things. My goal is two-fold: to educate and inform the public about what this illness is all about and help others see the brighter side. Cause really, if you don't look at the bright side, what else do you have to look forward to?
I enjoy mine, Sunny Side Up...how about you?
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